[With sincere advance apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda]
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP:
The issue on the table—
And this is a really beautiful table,
A gorgeous table of the highest quality,
A lot of money was spent on this table
Because the American people deserve
A President with the finest, best tables
That money can buy–
Some people have said that there is some kind of flu in America, or maybe a cold, you get a few sniffles
I don’t know about this myself, but I know some people are saying these things
Mostly these people hate Trump, and they hate America
They are the Radical Left and the losers and the haters
I’ve already decided not to do anything
And very fortunately none of my decisions are ever subject
To Congressional oversight or approval
Because when you’re the President, you have all the power
And I’m the only one in the room to pass the very difficult Walter Reed intelligence test
To the surprise of the dozens of doctors who watched me take it
So I am ultimately the only person in the world that matters.
Dr. Gloom and Doom, you have the floor.
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI:
When the ERs were full, when beds were low
We needed more nurses, we needed more dough
We needed more masks and swabs and half a trillion
And where were you, Pete?
[Dr. Birx]: With the…Brazilians
Well now it’s July, and maybe you’ll understand
The States need some promises that we’re willing to lend a hand
You say you want to save the economy
But have you had a lobotomy?
We should all be in lockdown quarantine
Instead, you give us useless hydroxychloroquine
Stand with the States as they fight in germ warfare
Don’t let Navarro win, you know he doesn’t care!
And I’ll remind you of course he’s not a real doctor
Knows nothing of epidemiology or viral spread
He’ll do nothing at all and then we’ll be dead.
All he wants to do is blame the Chinese
Meanwhile, two Americans are dying every. . . time. . . you. . . sneeze.
Hey, and if ya don’t know, now ya know, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP:
🎼YOU SAY, THE PRICE OF MY LOVE IS A PRICE YOU’RE NOT WILLING TO PAY…🎼
Sir, that’s your concession speech in November. We’re not there yet.
Well, all I meant of course is that some people say that, and those are the losers and the terrorists who live in our nation’s putrid, germ-infested, unlivable, shithole cities
And Peter knows better than anybody what makes them that way, and I think he may talk about that in a minute
Although I really don’t know what he is going to say, but I just thought Peter might address that later
When I say germ-infested though, I mean real germs, not this little flu that’s going around
People shouldn’t be talking about germs at all, they should be talking about the jobs I create on a daily basis for America
That’s the concern of the great people of this country, the beautiful silent majority–
They’re called silent because you never hear from Trump’s voters
They don’t draw attention to themselves at all, you would hardly know they were there
But they are a powerful and beautiful people and when I look at them I remember what this country was like when my neighbors were all rich and white.
Now my beautiful Peter Navarro will tell that hater, Dr. What’s-His-Name,
Jesus, you know, how can you expect a guy with a medical degree to be making decisions for our great nation
Anyway, Peter, please explain why this beautiful country will never have anything to worry about because of this little flu.
YOU MUST BE OUTTA YOUR GODDAMN MIND
If you think the President is gonna let COVID bring him to the brink
Of admitting that we live in the middle of a medical mess
Mr. President, that’s just gonna make America stress!
You gotta tell ’em they can go down to their favorite Burger King
No need to fear ’cause we give ’em hydroxychloroquine!
If we tell them about the fear, sickness, and spread
It’s just your Administration that will end up super dead.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP:
That was a beautiful argument Peter, very persuasive, about the Radical left and Antifa
Our administration is making a powerful statement, very powerful, about those that want to destroy America
And nothing will destroy America faster than the people who want to destroy this flu, which is a hoax, and really just a few sniffles and then 99% of the people are fine a couple of days later
It’s really the fault of the Chinese, they lied about the Kung Flu, millions of people died from it that they never counted and ovens were going all day long for weeks
But it’s fine here, just a few sniffles, maybe a cough, and everyone survives it just fine.
What’s beautiful is to think of becoming immune for America
America will be Great Again when everyone has it
And all the survivors will be immune
Peter, please cancel all federal funding for COVID testing and divert it to the border wall.
We don’t want infected Americans leaving our country and spreading their beautiful, powerful antibodies to Mexico.
Come, Peter, help me draft a statement on the healing power of Confederate statues.